As women, we are taught from the first breath, that our true selves are completely invaluable to the service we are to be providing to those around us.
We are only as good as the appearance we present to
make a man desire,
to make another woman envious,
to make a child feel comforted
by our all encompassing, gracious love.
We are only as good as the forgiveness we pour onto all,
excusing away any “misdeed,”
and righting it with our unending vessel of compassion.
We are only as good as the endless hours we dedicate
to making environments beautiful, welcoming.
We are only as good as what we do for everyone else,
never for ourselves.
If we take time to do something for ourselves,
it is always under the justification of the future reward it will reap for others.
And while we are perfectly allowed to confront a ‘misdeed’ by another whom harms someone we love,
we are never, ever allowed to confront those whom harm us personally.
We have partial permission to bring up an “issue,”
only if we give the other grace to correct the “issue”-
But, if we directly confront,
state, “You fucked me, it is wrong and I will not tolerate it,”
we appear hysterical, driven by hormones,
a little off in the head.
Or, we are simply a “Bitch.”
Confront a man as a woman…?
Well, you clearly are a “fucking bitch,”
a “fucking crazy ass bitch,” at that.
You might stand a chance in a business deal of confronting a problem and not being labeled; but, only if you subtly bring the problem to light,
subtly bring the solution to the table,
manipulated to appear as a man’s original idea.
It can never be your confrontation,
We are forced to be accountable not only for our actions-
or lack thereof-
but, for the actions of those around us.
If they fail, clearly it is our fault for not supporting, loving them enough to succeed.
Accountability is entirely ours to bear.
And yet, every woman I have met is only seeking accountability from others.
“Just tell me the truth,” she will say.
Truth is all she wants to wipe the slate clean-
To give a second chance…
A second chance that if she were allowed to fully love herself,
would never, ever be given in the first place.
Encased in fear of being labeled,
of coming across “too strong,”
we pour ourselves into second, third, fourth chances for those around us.
Never, do we allow a second chance for ourselves.
God forbid, we ARE actually stronger than them.
God forbid, we ARE right and they are wrong.
God forbid, we do something about it;
we respect ourselves enough to simply say, “enough.”
Fucking crazy ass bitch.
Yet, all this giving,
all this lack of acknowledgment of our true selves,
leaves us empty,
constantly seeking someone else to fill “our needs.”
Someone to soothe us emotionally,
to protect us,
to love us,
someone to give us a “role” in the world.
Someone to simply understand us-
while we never make effort to understand ourselves.
Someone to listen us-
while we never listen to our inner voice.
We fear rejection as we fear death, and it is this fear that rules our inner and outer worlds.
Perception of what others will believe,
think of us,
becomes our lines of definition.
So, what if…?
Just, what if…we were to disregard perceptions,
possibilities of rejection,
who would we find staring back in the mirror…?
What if we were to disregard the exhausting search for acceptance and love,
And seek to love ourselves for the strong, accountable women we are?
What if we were to confront those who do harm to us personally, with clear boundaries of “enough,”
“never again: I AM worth more.”
What if we placed ourselves first, and gave in to time for “just me?”
What if we became more concerned with what our inner voice was saying,
than what the outer voices say?
What if we lived as if we didn’t give a fuck what others thought?
Who would we find within?
What would she have to offer?
How would SHE live life?